today's episode: blogger's block? or too many topics to pick from?

i'm not sure. it seems hard to start blogging today. i guess not because i've not much to blog about, but what do i want to blog about? well. i want to blog about everything that's on my mind and heart right now. but that's not practical. and additionally, i don't know if i can put down some of the stuff even though i want it to be known. these things aren't bad things, so please don't worry about that. they are the things one wants others to know and understand, and then to be comforted. okay. hold this thought. i think i just figured out what to blog.

they are the things one wants others to know and understand, and then to be comforted. that's how i'm feeling. like the want to be heard, to shout out and have someone come running... to just cry and be held.

i babysat for lori and kyle this morning. lori had to run to the dentist and kyle was at school. caleb is about a few months old and my current favorite baby. he is the cutest thing. you'll fall in love with his eyes when you see them. they are so big! and beautiful. a darker blue with maybe a hint of grey which makes them look purple, to me. caleb was sleeping when lori left. he awoke a short time later and was squirming. i played with him in his swing for a little bit. when he started to squirm a little more, i picked him up. i didn't want the little guy to be uncomfortable. i sat on the couch and was helping him stand up on my knees. he was making some very cute mouth movements and smiling and kind-of-laughing.

and i just melted. i felt very good inside, very happy. it's a hard feeling to describe and one i've felt before. right then though, the world is just wonderful.

it's great to show babies things, teach them, and interact with them. i'm glad lori had music playing. i think that's important for children. she had warned me caleb might have gas. he began to get a little fussy. just a little. i didn't want crying. baby crying = kryptonite. i crumble. caleb received joyful, little bounces and little pats on the back in my effort to convince the gas to join our atmosphere. i didn't hear anything (or smell anything) and he became more and more fussy. then the crying came on. but just a short burst here. then another there. but it's crippling to see a baby in discomfort. i'm a softy. i got some water and i put it in the microwave and pressed start. about halfway done, caleb got quiet. "hmmm...perhaps he's alright?" nope. then he started to fuss again. *ding!* i knew it would be just a little while longer for the bottle to be warmed up after putting it in the heated water. i walked with caleb around the living room softly letting him know i understood he was hungry and that food was warming up. i told him it was okay he was crying and letting me know he wanted food. the bottle wasn't quite warm enough the first time i checked so i kept up the gentle bouncing, rocking, and swaying with caleb until the bottle was warmed to the proper temperature. then i lay caleb in my arm like you lay a baby to be fed. he didn't take the bottle right away. just cried. "uh-oh. if he's not hungry, then what else can i do to help the little guy?" there was just a hint of worry at this point.

but then caleb took the bottle. i guess, after all, he IS a baby. probably wouldn't immediately calm down and know a bottle was there. i got his blanket for support and cushion and go back to the couch. i sat down. caleb was feeding. now here's the part that got me...

caleb was looking right into my eyes. yeah. so wonderful it made my eyes water. can you get any more perfect than that? god has ordered this wonderful way! a mother holds her child. the way her arms are and the way a baby lay in them results in his feet being lower than his head. he is at an incline and comfortable. right next to the baby's head? the mother's bosom. the baby has to turn his head just a wee bit and while feeding his face is looking RIGHT UP AT HIS MOTHER'S.

UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

IT
IS
THE
MOST
BEAUTIFUL
THING!

mother and child. the god of the universe. the beauty. my heart that can't take it. the only part that is hard about all this is my longing for it. i want to see my wife with child. i want to bounce my son or daughter on my lap. holding each other, i want to be with my wife as we tip toe away from the crib after just laying the baby down. and yes, i want to deal with the crying and the messes.

so that's today's blog. that's what is on my heart. i'm going to cook up something for a pot luck later tonight, pray, and take a nap before i get off to work. everyone have a great day. it's a good one. cheers . . ..