the music

i've been listening to a lot of music lately. wanting to hear some words that i could relate to. i'm really looking to be understood. been so hurt, sad, confused, and frustrated. and i've been caught up in all that. i've been throwing punches in the air and just want to scream out the honest truth of how i feel inside. listening to music is an outlet for these feelings. i could often relate to the words and say "yeah! that's it. that's how i feel". but the words could not do that all the time and never completely. never do all the words match up exactly to how i am feeling. i've come to see that i was seeking something from either the singer or the words. it's silly. what i'm needing right now can't be fulfilled by that. there's no relationship there.

i was listening to piano music when i realized it. i need to be focusing inward. to myself. what's going on in there? being honest. listening to what's inside. not seeking it outside. the piano music doesn't speak any words to me. it's just here for me. it helps me get to the right place. one cannot help but be left to their heart, their feelings and their thoughts when this music plays. it's sort of like being left on your own in a good kind of way, with the music there - happy, supportive, and encouraging to be doing this for you. i have been humbled.

i slowed down... came to a stop... got quiet... "be still scottie. let's watch and listen for a bit. don't do anything okay?" and then i cried. i felt it. understanding, acceptance, letting go, grace, mercy, god's love.

right now i'm not looking for a hug. i'm being hugged.