a revelation...or two

i haven't been myself lately. sure on the outside to everyone who sees me, but not on the inside. not in the heart.

after reading a section in a book elijah gave me, i have faced the truth that i've been living scared recently. and even looking back on my life, there has been fears that i've given into. the book was talking about owning up to them, seeing them eye to eye for what they are, and then facing them. i grabbed a cd from one of my favorite punk bands fifteen and went to track number two (on their lucky cd). towards the end of the song are some amazing words that i haven't heard/listened to in some time.

"hey kid, i hope you knooooow,
sometimes life is gonna SUCK.
hey kid i hope you knoooooooow,
sometimes everything's gonna be fucked up.
hey kid i hope you knoooooooow,
the only way around your problems, is straight through them.

the last line is what i haven't been listening to for some time. fears are tough. they are real. they have a certain control once you give in to them. they can suck. BAD. but i feel strong right now. i'm going to face them and am running at them head on. there are going to be some past wounds i carry that are going to reopen but they need to. WOUNDS DON'T HEAL UNLESS YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THEM. i've not been paying any mind to many of them because of fear.

today is good. i feel confident and strong. my eyes are open and i've realized some things that i've needed. time to get back living right and the way that fulfills me. i've been desiring many things as of late and some of them quite greatly. but god brought me back to the realization that i've been desiring all of them MORE than him. yeah. i admit it. and i feel ashamed for not giving god my all, for not paying attention to him fully. "love the lord with ALL your heart, ALL your mind, and ALL your strength". ALL of it. wholeheartedly.

cheers . . ..