it's new year's eve!

what is today? the biggest party night of the year? well, it's at least one of them, that's for sure. i've got some options but i'm still not decided on what i will be doing. i can say for sure that i'll be around friends, making white russians, dancing, singing, counting down to midnight, and just being wacky and silly. i won't be able to see all my friends tonight though, and that makes me sad. to those i'm not able to be around tonight, HAVE A SA-WEET NEW YEAR'S!!! and i want to hear some crazy stories from you!

here's something i found in the newspaper just a few days ago. it makes me mad. really mad. these are the number one and number two ways to make your new year's eve the best ever. here's number two:
make sure there's someone nearby to kiss at midnight, because that would be really pathetic if you just stood there. this "someone" extends to best friends, ex-lovers and even random strangers. being taboo is preferrable to being sad and lonely.

and here's number one:
go for it. terms like "harassment", "party foul", "moral turpitude", and "irrepairable damages" all slip out of the collective vocabulary from 11pm to midnight on dec 31. for this one glorious hour, you are allowed to be the person you always wanted to be. allowed to dive into all the devious behavior you can think of. and the best part: you can repent your sins the next day with a self-improving new year's resolution.

absolutely rediculous. do NOT follow this crap. but seriously, have one heck of a night!

cheers!

either you're laughing, or you're scratching your head saying "what?"

31dec07 today's quote

without faith in a personal, loving god who actively participates in our lives through divine providence, we are like small children, who thinking themselves unloved, angrily hurl their toys from the cot.

to norfolk and back

most everyone has been asking most everyone else how their christmas has been. it's so great to hear of everyone's stories! a part of me is always hoping that no one asks how mine went. i feel what little fun or joy there was is swamped out by the negativity. i don't like telling people it was fine, and then just leaving it at that. they ask more questions, and then i let more out but feel i'm dumping on them. or they just give me a funny look and wonder why i said "fine" but didn't elaborate. either way, i feel a little down. it's just too tough. i want to talk about it. i want to feel understood and for someone to know how difficult it is for me. so i'll just say my christmas was the usual christmas and we'll leave it at that for now. but i want to hear your stories!

let's get back on track now. friday night was another lit night at the taylors' house in norfolk. josh, ben, and i drove up early that evening right after ben got off work. josh slept a majority of the way there. i felt i didn't have much to talk about because i was so excited to get to norfolk and see everyone. but i managed to converse with ben. we drove through a thick, thick fog and that helped give us a topic.

i was expecting more people to show, but the smaller crowd was really awesome. jake, dave, and jonathan came up too! last time i was there for lit night, i was picked to read first. and that was my first time. i was only a little nervous but was stoked to be going first. this time, we drew numbers. guess who got number one? uh-huh. me. i read from the little prince. again i was a little nervous. i started reading but realized afterward that i didn't preface what i was reading. i hadn't set up a context for everyone to know what was going on. i feel people would have gotten more out of it had i given them that context. there would have been more discussion, too. but alas, time cannot be reversed and i only hope i remember next time.

there were some really good reads there: poems, stories, short stories, etc. there wasn't as much a discussion as there was last lit night. i kinda missed the discussion. it's so cool to hear what others pull out of the readings. it's also so cool to hear what it means to people. there was food and drink to be had during it all. and afterward, there was still food. then there was card playing. mel and i lost twice in hand and foot. i was getting tired then. probably because it was 2:30 in the morning. i went to bed, prayed, and thought about the usual thoughts that are on my heart. i slept well though i woke up a lot during the night.

it was good to lounge with everyone in the morning. we had muffins and eggs and coffee. i had a banana and some juice too. someone suggested going to the ymca for wallyball, but too few had the money to spend or the clothes to wear for such a thing. so we settled on "apples to apples". it was very fun. unfortunately i couldn't stay saturday as well for i had to work that evening at 5. so ben and i drove back to lincoln. josh stayed and grabbed a ride home from jonathan.

work was slow lastnight. but i did make a LOT of tips. work was long and i didn't get out of there until 12:40ish. well, partly because i took a 20 mile detour after my last delivery so i could get out of the city, where it's dark, to take a picture of the sweet sweet moon lastnight. holy cow! it was amazing! but the camera on my mobile absolutely is crap when it comes to capturing shots of the moon. but it's still etched in my memory. w00t! i had a beer at o'rourke's with my friends peter and jeff. then i came home and hopped in bed.

church today was good. people ate afterwards. josh and i went to shopko. he bought a notebook for $.99. i came home to do some laundry and blog before going off to work. and now, here i am. here are some pics i took while in norfolk. i only took a few.


this is jake saturday morning.


this is jonathan saturday morning. i asked him to make a funny face, but he didn't give me one.


this is the taylors' dog. her name is daisy. she's little and very cute.


another pic of daisy.


and another pic of daisy.

i had taken more pictures but they were blurry and too hard to make out. i never said i was a good photographer. lol. have a great ending to your week all!

cheers!

30dec07 today's quote

the problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. you know how hard that is lily? i love may. but it was still so hard to choose caribbean pink. the hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters.

august, in the secret lives of bees, p 147

29dec07 today's quote

lily, that's the only purpose grand enough for a human life. not just to love - but to persist in love.

-august, in the secret lives of bees, p 289

i want next year to be different.

that's how i responded to ben's asking how my christmas was. i wish my family could have some resemblance of normalcy and togetherness. i wish my mother wouldn't choose to work on the holidays. i wish people wouldn't fight all the time. i wish i wasn't insulted and made fun of. i wish my older brother wouldn't be so vulgor and rude and self centered. i wish my family wasn't so bigotted and prejudice. i wish they would love each other. i wish it were fun. i wish they knew a thing or two about jesus. i wish it wasn't such a typical christmas for me. i wish it were different. i wish it didn't hurt.

cheers!

28dec07 today's quote

the friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away.

-barbara kingsolver-

you're not an old man. but you are getting older.

happy birthday bro! today you're 30. have a great great day!!!

cheers!

27dec07 today's quote

to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

-lewis b smedes-

can't wait to hear your stories!

i hope everyone had a great christmas!

cheers!

26dec07 today's quote

saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.

-cullen hightower-

25dec07 today's quote

the greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.

-julien green-

24dec07 today's quote

the truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music. bodies never lie.

-agnes de mille-

surpassing the 500 mark

well, it's happened. there have been over 500 blog posts this year. and it happened on my sister's birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS!

realisticly, there should have been more posts. there were times when i didn't put forth the effort to keep things updated. but i'm not upset in the least. i do wonder what the next year of blogging looks like? will i change the format of the page? what will the blog topics become? what new innovations in the blogging world will there be? i guess it's a real growth process, as anything is. i'm lookin' forward to it.

cheers . . ..

23dec07 today's quote

as long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

-dick cavett-

look at the pic!

i love how happy and content the dog looks in today's pic. it's awesome. kinda interested to note, that he looks a bit dumb. or maybe he's just tired. :shrug: my absolute favorite thing about the pic though, is the cat on the left. he's kind of nonchalantly poking his head out as if saying in a super cool cat kinda voice "sup?" ha ha ha! great pic! it makes me happy.

cheers!

22dec07 today's quote

everywhere i go, i'm asked if i think the university stifles writers. my opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. there's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

-flannery o'connor-

let's celebrate christmas with smoking!

here's some old cigarette ads. i thought i would post them.



cheers!

21dec07 today's quote

when we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

-henri nouwen-

like a shaggy dog

in roughly one month, it will have been a year since my last haircut. a whole year! in all honesty, it's rediculous going that long without even a trim. but i've never done it and wanted to see if i could. it is nice having hair flopping around but it's too unmanagable. i never realized how much shampoo i'd have to use either! still not completely sure what i'll do with my hair. we'll see i guess. have a good day all, go build a snowman.

cheers!

20dec07 today's quote

one's real life is often the life that one does not lead.

-oscar wilde-

numero dos

it happened for only the second time in my life. i got a speeding ticket. the o street overpass closing has caused much grief and now this is added to that. since i can't take o street west, i have to go waaaaaaay around. there are a couple of ways to do this but they take so much more time. it's highly inconvenient. i find that i drive faster to get the deliveries there on time.

lastnight, i decided to take the road that runs by haymarket park and then through the neighborhood just north and west of memorial stadium. the road was baron. where i got caught, i assumed the speed limit was 35 because of the wide road and no houses. by the way, there is no posted speed limit there until you enter the residential area. officer moody was writing me a ticket right there as i wasn't in the residetial area yet. and yes folks, i was slowing down as not to be speeding on slippery streets through a residential area lined with cars. i was going barely over 30 when i passed lincoln's finest. my ticket, however, was for 38 - making me wonder how far away i was actually clocked. since i was on the clock and in a hurry, i didn't want to spend time arguing with officer moody (who was already taking his own sweet time). i wish i would have seen the cop car earlier and braked, downshifted, e braked, and came to a complete stop quickly before i even got to him. then i could have sat there and then he'd have to walk back to me. lol! i wonder what he would have thought about that?

so now i have to take a stop class. bah! eight hours of someone telling me not to speed. eight hours of listening to some maroon telling me to drive at "ten and two". grrrr! i need to humble myself, go into the class, meet some new people there, have some fun, forget about the whole fiasco, and be thankful that i'll be paying a lower fine and not have my insurance go up.

cheers!

19dec07 today's quote

one man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men that haven't and don't.

-george bernard shaw-

18dec07 today's quote

talent hits a target no one else can hit. genius hits a target no one else can see.

-arthur schopenhauer-

as it is every year

i don't want any presents for christmas. i never do. the thing i most desire is to be with family and friends. well, and to eat lots of food too! growing up in a poor household with three other siblings, christmas presents from my parents were never numerous. and both sets of grandparents gave little in material things. mostly, they gave money. my father's parents are tightwads to the best definition of that word. two dollars was the usual gift... and it was always given with a noticeable sense of loss to my grandfather. my mother's parents were farmers during the depression. they knew how to stretch a dollar. i think this influenced their giving us grandkids a dollar or two in quarters. a few times, we did get half dollars though. atop these things, i was always hard to fit for clothes so when i received them as gifts, they NEVER fit.

i'm thankful for the past however. it's allowed me to not (fully) buy into the bad things about the christmas holiday here in the states. i can focus on people and "the reason for the season". i do hope those wishing to receive gifts do in fact receive what they are wishing for. remember to give and receive gracefully.

cheers!

thanks jonathan

saturday night's get together at jonathan's was a really good time. there was fellowship, food, drinks, laughs, music, and song. i felt warmed. it was so beautiful that i cried. i felt there was a bond there between everyone that only the closeness of community can bring. we're all friends. we came together and kept in our minds that christ was central in this. it's the kind of happiness and joy that i feel during these times that i want everyone to know! my heart aches because not everyone does know this. i let god know that his works are great and so is his love. i also prayed for those who don't know him and praised him for his work through me.

for the majority of yesterday, i was sad because i wanted a friend i know to have been there and experienced that kind of awesomeness saturday night. i've made some terrible mistakes as a friend lately and i didn't know how to ask her to come. i feel bad. i feel guilty. during this time in her life, she needs comfort, safety - a good friend. i'm really sad about things and inside i hurt soooooo much. and this is just another blow that's bringing me down.

cheers . . ..

17dec07 today's quote

trust only movement. life happens at the level of events, not of words. trust movement.

-alfred adler-

16dec07 today's quote

rivers know this: there is no hurry. we shall get there someday.

-a a milne-

15dec07 today's quote

i believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.

-thomas jefferson-

not the best day yesterday

the entirity of yesterday was spent dealing with some hurt i am going through. there were things all day long, that i had no control over, that were going bad. to add to that, the exhaust pipe that seperated from the catalytic converter on my car decided to snap completely off. it began to drag on the road as i drove. i was soooo frustrated! i was on a delivery at work when this happened. i delivered the food and went to a walgreen's, hoping they'd have some cheap wire or clothe's hangers to tie up the pipe. they only had zip ties. bummer. i bought them anyway. by the time i got back to work though, the exhaust had been torn away from the muffler. this made me more frustrated. but it actually was less work to get it out from under the car without the muffler being attatched to the pipe. i did have to use my break take care of the removal. and thus, i did not have time to eat anything, and i was hungry! i then slipped on the ice outside and fell HARD. i hurt my hand but i'm okay. it added to the frustration. i spent all day trying to be in good spirits. that takes a lot of energy. coming home after work, i was drained. i retired to my room and went to bed with tear-filled eyes. yesterday was one of those days where if it could have gone wrong, it did. whew! am i glad it's over. today is a new day and it's going swell. weeeeeee!

cheers!

short posts, or no posts, as of late

boy! you can sure tell when i've got things on my mind that are bothering me. there isn't much blogging going on! lol. <--that's me laughing at myself. and that's good. i'm feeling pretty good today. as usual, once i air what it is inside of me, the progression towards feeling better starts. thank you friends for all the love! you've helped a great deal.

cheers . . ..

14dec07 today's quote

if the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

-abraham maslow-

short and to the point

i really need your prayers. things are hard. i cry a lot. i haven't eaten much all week. i feel hurt, helpless, like connection is really hard... but i want the connection. and i don't know what she's thinking.

cheers . . ..

13dec07 today's quote

i never saw a discontented tree. they grip the ground as though they liked it, and though fast rooted they travel about as far as we do. they go wandering forth in all directions with every wind, going and coming like ourselves, traveling with us around the sun two million miles a day, and through space heaven knows how fast and far!

-john muir-

12dec07 today's quote

hear no ill of a friend, nor speak any of an enemy.

-benjamin franklin-

dear diary,

i need a hug today.

11dec07 today's quote

if you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.

-john a wheeler-

life IS short

i read the phrase "the quick and the dead" yesterday morning at church while reciting the apostle's creed. jay made a comment later in the service that he was slow, not quick. i then got to thinking.

what's the opposite of dead? alive. and how long is something dead? forever. death is eternal. and in the grand scheme of eternity, life is pretty short. so quick can be to mean the living. i always wondered why such a phrase existed. i think i've a little better grasp on it now.

cheers!

10dec07 today's quote

sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

09dec07 today's quote

i have learned to use the word impossible with the greatest caution.

-wernher von braun-

a few random pics from the weekend thus far.

i made a tiny, tiny snowman lastnight. i've not done that before. the little guy was formed from snow on a window sill outside magnolia, a restaurant in the haymarket. he accompanied me inside and was introduced to josh, molly, and mandi. mandi used some pepper to give him facial features. all in all, i'd say sherman (that's what i named him) was only 3 1/2 to 4 inches tall. here's a pic of my first tiny snowman:



and here's a note at work that i took a pic of. i like the sense of humor my manager has. i laughed so hard when i saw it.



and contrary to what was written on my back window, i like winter. i like the chill. i actually enjoy scooping snow. i like warming up.



cheers!

with all the snow...

i've been sliding all over the place... intentionally. since it's the first time this winter we've had slick streets, i'm still getting back in the swing of making my car go where i want it to go. earlier this year, i lived on the southern most part of town. there, people have money (or debt) and keep their cars in garages. this leaves the streets more open and readily available to be rally raced on. but now, living in the central part of town, houses are smaller and closer together. there isn't a great population of people having money. there are lots of renters too. this makes for streets lined with many cars. so i can't slide around as much.

these skills aren't solely used for entertainment. the other night at work, i drove right past the house to which i was to deliver a pizza. since i want to get the pizzas to places as soon as possible, i don't like taking time for a three-point turnabout. i came to an intersection very near and crowded right, kept up speed, turned the wheel way left, gave it more gas, and pulled the E brake. as the back end came around, i quickly began turning the wheel back. careful not to hit the brakes, as this causes you to NOT have control, i kept on the gas. with a slight, and perfect i might add, fishtail later, i was going the other way. it took only seconds and i never came to a stop. the customer was grateful the pizza showed up in a timely manner. they were not informed of my driving antics. but i always tell people "i got here as fast as i could for you." i see most people appreciate that.

i'd like to make it down to the south end of town, where the roads are car baron and windy. if only i had a helmet and numbers on the side of my car.

cheers!

08dec07 today's quote

there isn't anyone you couldn't love once you heard their story.

-mary lou kownacki-

here's what's tough

you've been going about something the wrong way.
there comes a time when you realize it.
you accept that you've been going about it the wrong way and accept what's went wrong.
you work through what you need to work through.
you then have a new understanding.
and you accept the new understanding.

it's at this point where i feel better. more joy seems to return and i get excited. i'm glad to be out of the thick of whatever it was but also excited because there's this new knowledge/wisdom/understanding i have.

being a very outward and verbally expressive person, i let others know of these new things. the tough part is when they don't understand how i am understanding. the toughness is compounded, too, when others are people i really love. and then, there is conflict. arghhhhh! i'd love to keep going on this idea, but time's in short supply today so i have to bounce.

cheers!

07dec07 today's quote

it ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

-wc fields-

06dec07 today's quote

laws control the lesser man. right conduct controls the greater one.

-chinese proverb-

75 years ago today...

prohibition ended and it became legal to consume alcohol again.

cheers!

05dec07 today's quote

it's easy to make a buck. it's a lot tougher to make a difference.

-tom brokai-

no movie night tonight

unfortunately, movie night won't be happening tonight. ben will be away at his company's christmas party and i'll be stuck at work. someone else may want to host a movie tonight. i think that would be cool. a change of scenery wouldn't be a bad thing. i'm more and more starting to wish there was a rotating movie venue each week. i think that would be exciting.

it's the christmas season and i'm recommending christmas-themed movies for the month. put your heads together and see what you guys come up with. and let ben and i know suggestions. here's a few from me: a christmas story, it's a wonderful life, and millions. and also, one of these nights, we all should have dinner before the movie.

cheers!

04dec07 today's quote

i think we may safely trust a good deal more than we do.

-henry david thoreau-

and in other news...

last night at 80's night was fun. a few things happened. the music had to stop because a girl was laying on the floor not moving her arms or legs. paramedics came in and she left on a stretcher. it was weird. i don't know what happened. also, a transsexual rubbed glitter all over my arms... my shirt too - all this to my dismay. then, two twins started dancing with me. they hung around most of the night. holly and genie were their names. they were really short, had short bleached out hair, and had matching samiam tatoos on their lower backs (which they freely showed). holly is six minutes older than genie. and finally, i got a little tipsy while there. not drunk, but getting there. whoops!

david and i had some good conversations throughout the night. we ran into a homeless guy with poor speech. we had trouble understanding him. here's a bit of the chat with he and david:

homeless guy: "bert"
david: "bert?"
homeless guy: "pert"
david: "dirt?"
homeless guy: "mert"
me: "what the heck are you saying? we can't understand you."
homeless guy: mumbled something i didn't understand, sort of laughed, began walking away.

another interesting night.

cheers!

it's times like these...

it's times like these when i look at myself, what i've done, and how i am. i become critical but feel it's in more a realistic way than a degrading one. often, i find myself doing this and now is another one of those times. people have a desire to be okay with themselves. right now, i guess i'm not. and when i say this, i don't mean it in a depressing kind of way. there is much light being shed here. but to be truthful, i am disappointed. and when i'm disappointed, i slump my shoulders, drop my guard, and quit going. it's sad and i don't like that about me.

cheers!

03dec07 today's quote

the holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

-mark twain-

02dec07 today's quote

there has to be sides. the universe doesn't exist as all the same.

something my friend dustin does

i'm going to say it was three and a half years ago... maybe? i know it hasn't been four years. :shrug: okay then. we'll say between three and four years ago. i was in kearney for the weekend visiting friends. i remember having a BLAST! man, it was a good weekend. the time with friends was soooo good and i had some really great conversations. conversations that got me thinking about life, people, and myself.

dustin and i were outside talking. it was just he and i. it was night. he was confessing he'd felt a bit lonely as of late. i remember him telling me that there were 250+ names in his phone and not one went a week without being called. i think that's simply AMAZING, keeping in touch like that. dustin felt lonely though, because he didn't get many calls from other people. "i know a lot of people scottie. but not many know me." he said. from the combination of talking with so many people and not feeling heard or felt, and having few people initiate calls with him, he was feeling lonely... apart... without... sad. i felt really bad for him. we hugged. i cried.

i kind of went off track there and described how dustin was feeling. that wasn't the intent of the post. though i'm not looking past that at all (it's an important event in his and my life and one i'll remember forever), i'm posting about how great it is that dustin initiated. and not just a little. he kept up with a LOT of people - all different types and on all different levels of acquaintances and friendships. dustin's such a cool guy and this is one thing about him that i really admire. i'm quite bad at initiating. yet i desire connection with those i know. so i'm making it a point to do what's difficult for me. i really want to and have wanted to for a while now. i'm going through my phone and email and am going to keep up with people. w00t!

cheers!

december has arrived!

and in grand fashion, too. last night we had freezing rain. it's now time for a continual cold to hang around for a few months. i don't mind the cold. i do however, mind the grey. :bleh:

the blog only has a month and a half to go until it's first birthday. and there's almost 500 posts. wow! we'll see if we can't top 500 by year's end. have a fantastical day all.

cheers!

01dec07 today's quote

those who wish to sing, always find a song.